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 | guest post: in every ending, there is beginning |
Seeing as I have my hands full (literally full—did I mention that Eli started out at nine pounds? oh yes), may I offer you a delightful guest post, courtesy of Christine, of Coffees & Commutes?
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In life, there are so many ending and beginnings, but I find them increasingly palpable in motherhood. Perhaps it’s because we watch so closely for change, and celebrate so many milestones, or maybe it’s because so often they are steeped in emotion. Whatever the reason, motherhood is a roller coaster of change, of beginnings blending seamlessly and continuously with endings. Some hard, some easy.
Just now I’m facing my fair share of hard change. I have two young boys (4, and 18 months.) With both I took year-long maternity leave from work. In Canada we are fortunate to have employment insurance to help compensate financially for the time away and our jobs are protected by federal legislation. So, of course, I took advantage.
Outside of the birth of my children, my most significant beginnings have been marked by equally significant endings. In particular, the ending of my maternity leave and my return to work. My children were embarking on an adventure that didn’t include me, and at only 1. It was hard, so tremendously difficult to leave them. Even though, strangely enough, I was also ready. Being a working mother is an odd combination of guilt and satisfaction.
I didn’t want to send my children to a centre; I wanted them in a loving home. I believe that our children spend enough time living in institutions that I prefer to avoid it when they were so young. We were fortunate to find the most amazing child care provider. She welcomed my children into her home as if they were her own. She cared for them, nurtured them, and played the role of mom to them when I couldn’t. It was what I wanted. My children became like siblings to her own. She’s as responsible for who my children are now, as I am. Perhaps more.
But now we face another ending and with that a new beginning. This one perhaps even more significant than when I first left my first son in the care of another more than three years ago. Our provider has decided to go back to school and is closing her day care. My children will start fresh in a new home and with a complete stranger. And for the first time since they were born, this ending and beginning makes me question everything. My heart is hurting over the change, and the fear of the unknown.
Our new provider has all the qualities of a wonderful and nurturing mother. When I learned of and met her own three teenage boys, I felt a sense of confidence that she would do just fine with my own boys. But you can never be sure. I know this now. I have the benefit of experience. This beginning is much harder. The first time I was blissfully unaware. Now I have expectations. Though it’s unfair, I want our new provider to be the same as our old provider. It’s such an emotional and difficult transition.
So here we are, facing another beginning. A beginning that is probably more difficult on me than on my children. They are resilient and happy souls. They will adapt. But I’m left wondering about my choice to work. Wondering if maybe I got it all wrong. Wondering if maybe this beginning will lead to another ending.
[Melissa says: Now I want to give Christine a hug. Question for the rest of you: Do you guys focus on beginnings, or endings? Or do they peacefully coexist in your world? I'm wondering...]
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Christine blogs at Coffees & Commutes. Connect with her as she chronicles her journey of self-discovery, her thoughts on motherhood, and the occasional need for caffeine. Also? Check out her new blog design! Lovely.
I’m definitely a “peacefully co-exist” type. I think with four children, if I were always gearing up for beginnings and grieving or cheering new endings, I’d be more exhausted than I already am.
Terrific post, full of insight and emotion.
We just made the decision to move my daughter to another daycare too because she has outgrown the one she is in. They are wonderful for infants and she needs a more challenging place now, and because her current environment is nurturing, small and personal, I question our decision every day.
The what ifs are mind-boggling. This new place is a pre-school across from her current home daycare and she’s been asking to go see the kids there every day, even interacting with them. As my blog today says, when she’s ready, she’s ready. And it sure looks to me that she is.
You’re right Christine – these changes are often harder on us than they are on them. They’re quite the resilient little creatures aren’t they?
Oh Christine, as always, your words are filled with so much emotion. I hope that that this beginning will lead you to a place in your life that you are happy with. {hugs}
Change is so hard. Sometimes for me and sometimes for them. The start of each school year, each new class, each new activity filled with hope and expectations and fear. Thank you for sharing, I hope that the transition went smoothly for you and your boys.