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This last week I went to a baby shower for a friend who’s expecting her very first baby. As part of the gift-giving, people were asked to offer parenting advice, or to mention something their parents did that they appreciated. Plus several people gave her parenting how-to and reference books.
At the end of the shower I told her this: she should feel free to ignore all of us. Because there isn’t any one right way to parent, and because no one else has ever parented her particular child. And because having confidence in your own parenting is more important than checking off a list of “best parenting techniques.”
Yes, I think that some choices are more likely than others to lead to healthy children and families. And yes, I sometimes turn to books or websites or experts for ideas on how to deal with specific parenting issues.
But individual personalities and family dynamics mean that the best solutions for my family might flop in someone else’s. We’re not all the same. My parenting philosophy might not match up with yours, and that’s okay, as long as I don’t expect you to parent my kids, which I don’t.
So now I’m wondering: what wisdom do you offer new parents? Or maybe: what do you think no one should EVER say to new parents?
It’s always so touchy isn’t it. Mostly I tell my friends who are embarking on motherhood: Trust your instincts. They are usually more right than you give them credit for. I do turn to my friends often for advice, but usually what I’m looking for is new ideas or approaches when I’m genuinely stumped. Knowing what worked for others and being able to blend them with a philosophy that works for us can sometimes be helpful.
They’re usually more right than we give them credit for, especially in the beginning. Excellent point.
Trust your instincts is a good one. Because you can’t really learn to parent through books or advice, it just comes as you go along. The one piece of advice I found really irritating was to sleep when the baby sleeps. With your first, this is fine. Although I usually didn’t. But it’s impossible to sleep when the baby sleeps if that baby is your 2nd or 3rd and your other kids like to tear up the house.
Oh yes. Napping for mama is highly unlikely with baby #2 through infinity. (Though if someone has infinity babies, maybe they know something about sleep that I don’t.)
I say to be kind to yourself. Especially if your child is not cooperating and acting like the kids in the parenting books.
Or like the kids in the baby stuff catalogs. (Just saying…)
i like to new parents to try to listen to their heart.
then i like to be upfront about how my heart led me to be as a mom.
then i like to tell them i will do my best to support whatever style of parenting they discover.
I expect they appreciate that.
“This too shall pass.” Works in probably every situation, both bad AND good.
I say that kind of a lot, mostly to myself.
And so far it’s always been true.
The only parenting advice I’ve ever really given is that it’s a great idea to keep plastic bags in the diaper bag, because there’s always a chance your baby will explode. I stand by that.
The worst thing anyone ever said to me while I was pregnant was that the “air” in my state might cause me to miscarry. That’s probably something not to say to a parent-to-be. I tersely told her that I planned to continue to breathe, if she didn’t mind.
I… uh… the AIR? I guess maybe you’re supposed to start carrying around an oxygen tank to breathe from as soon as you conceive? Helpful!
I tell new moms to get as much a sleep as possible, and to take advantage of help, to go grab a coffee, take a shower or just go for a walk. It helps with the sanity aspect of motherhood I find.
Sanity is nice. I advocate pursuing sanity.
This is perfect. The only advice I offer to new parents is to laugh. I received so much, um, crap advice when pregnant with Emily that I don’t want any of my friends to become disheartened. Like you said, I usually remind them that THEY are the parent and will know their child more than any other person.
What, crap advice? Given to a pregnant woman? I am shocked, I tell you, shocked! Wait, no. No I am not.
But laughing, yes. Good suggestion indeed.