My computer and I are not seeing eye to eye today, and only partly because it has no eyes.

ME: Is the Internet crazy-slow today, or do you need to restart?
COMPUTER: None of your business.
ME: It’s you, isn’t it?
COMPUTER: I can neither confirm nor deny…
ME: Restart.
COMPUTER: Did you say something?
ME: Restart.
COMPUTER: I can’t hear you.
ME: Restart.
COMPUTER: [silence.]
ME: Ctrl-Alt-Del.
COMPUTER: Ahem. ERROR. A program is not responding.
ME: What program? There are no programs running.
COMPUTER: The “shut down noise” is not responding. If you quit now, you will not hear the shut down noise.
ME: Wha—? RE.START. NOW.
COMPUTER: If you restart now, you will lose any unsaved data in “shut down noise.”
ME: Dude. Restart now or you gonna make a whole other shut down noise.
COMPUTER: Suit yourself.
COMPUTER: *dinging shut down noise.*
ME: [banging head on desk.]