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 | my family is smaller than angelina’s |
So. Apparently I’m hip. Even more surprising: it has something to do with Angelina Jolie. (See headline at that link.)
Here’s a secret: I don’t think I have that many kids. I mean, yes, I’m busy. Yes, people notice our family out in the world. But seriously, four? Four is a lot? I have more fingers than that on one hand! I think you need at least five or six to really be a big family.
But according to census data (okay, according to Meagan Francis, who references census data in the article linked above), only about ten percent of women in the US have four or more kids. Huh. I always knew I was above average.
What do you think? How many kids makes for a big family?
There are days when my 3 kids seem like a big family — when they all need individual attention at the same time. Then there are days where they’re off entertaining themselves, and I have a minute to sit down and read. Then I feel like we have a tiny family!
I would have said the same thing before I had four kids–but as soon as I got pregnant with #4 people started treating me like I was insane. And I noticed that things that had been easy once (finding a table at a restaurant, getting a hotel room, etc) were suddenly a lot harder. Even many SUVs only fit four people comfortably. The world really is set up around families with two kids! Even my news that I was pregnant with #3 raised some eyebrows. There was a feeling of “But why would you want to do THAT?”
I think some of it is regional. When I was researching my book I heard from lots of people who said “I only have three kids, but almost everybody else I know is stopping at one.” Then there were people who were saying “I have five kids, but in my church/community that’s just average.” Probably family culture has a lot to do with the perception, too–nobody in my family thinks 4 is a lot of kids, but there are five of us, three of us already have four kids and I’m working on a fifth. So obviously bigger families are normal to us…but four kids definitely isn’t normal to most of the people I meet! Which I guess is reflected by the fact that the US still has a less-than-2-kids-per-woman fertility rate.
(thanks for linking to the op-ed, by the way!)
I would say that anything more than what parents can handle emotionally and/or financially is too big. I only have one, but as a single parent, there have been times it’s been almost too much. Mind you, I don’t mean perfect parenting all the time, but I do believe people have limits and wise parents recognize them. The height of folly is when people who already have children go to extremes to have even more – like the recent case with the octuplets.
I think the family unit should be respected for how strong it is, without classification of bigness or smallness. As Annie pointed out, it’s largely dependent on what the parents can handle.
But you still want a number? Oh well. How about five? Five kids. Because then you and DH really don’t have a hand for one of them. Unless you have extra hands hiding around somewhere, which might explain a whole lot…
No extra hands, but I do have a sling!
We started getting the “Are they ALL yours?” comment when we had just 3, and we know very few families with more than 2. Dane and I both come from families of at least 4 sibs, though none of our sibs thus far have more than 2 kids… still, I don’t know, I don’t think we feel like a big family at present.
We wanted to have three kids, but God had other plans for us (and for how we were even going to have two). I still think about that a lot. But I’m too old to start with another baby. I think working full time makes it harder.
That said, I grew up with quadruplet cousins and that family was TOO BIG. Part of it may have been that they were all the same age (big sis was only two years older). But everybody needed attention or SOMETHING at the same time! It was crazy. Babysitting them while their mom went on vacation once a year was enough to make us steer WAY CLEAR of any fertility treatments that could have resulted in multiple births!!
Kudos to all of you who are making it a priority to parent happy, healthy kids. If that’s the focus, I don’t think there’s any magic number.
Quadruplets! The very idea terrifies me.
I don’t think bigger is better (of course!), and I don’t think there’s ever a “right” number of kids (again, of course!). I just wondered whether my idea of “big” was the same as everybody else’s.
I agree that it has to do with a) what you’re used to and b) what a parent can manage. I am an only child, and my parents were ill-equipped to parent, so two children sounds like a lot to me! But our family is young yet, who knows how our ideas will change?
As a one-child mum, but one of three siblings, I’d go with the above mentioned “when you still have enough hands for all” i.e. 4 kids is enough. But again, that is highly individual – I know I couldn’t handle more than two (God knows I’m having trouble keeping my family together with only one child) but then again other people I know have 5 and they are happy as sunshine.
I don’t know what’s big really. We have 3 and DH is done done done while I would happily have 1 or 2 more easily. I guess 5 kids seems “big,” but not too big IMO. I come from a family of 4 kids and that seems totally normal, not big at all.
I constantly get the “wow, you have your hands full” comment when out alone with my 3 (baby is always in a carrier). I just smile and tell them that my heart is too or that they sure are, but in a very good way.
I have three and people seem to think that’s too much.
My husband is the youngest of 10, I consider that a lot of kids there. I think three, four, maybe even five are manageable.
Ok, if I were younger, I’d have five. I would still have four now (at 42) in a heartbeat. The age spread I’ve got going is good – 10, 7, 1…I could throw in another in there and be ok.