 |  |
 | the second |
I’ve read several blog posts lately about how having a second baby will be so much easier than having the first one. These do not tend to be written by folks with a newly-arrived second baby.
I suspect how “easy” one finds the experience depends in large part on the personalities of the kids and parents in question, but let me just say: I did not find it to be a walk in the park on a breezy spring day.
Yes, some things are easier. You may have some certainty that your child will not stop breathing just because you stop looking at her. You’re proficient with the diapers, the feeding mechanisms, the snaps and zips and other obnoxious fasteners on the tiny baby clothes. You’re far less likely to rush baby number two to the emergency room for a runny nose. You probably also have realistic expectations that the baby will not be a baby—with the broken sleep and the constant eating and whatnot—forever.
You’ve maybe figured out the parenting thing a bit. We had some general guidelines worked out. Our priority list went something like this: Take care of needs before wants, youngers before olders. Except the two-year-old seemed to miss the memo; she wasn’t cool with us tending to the baby when she needed something, too. And the two of them tended to need something (anything!) at the same moment about ninety-four times a day.
We knew how to parent a baby; it turned out we knew somewhat less about how to parent a toddler/preschooler who had suddenly become an older sibling.
Adding a third, though, was no big deal. There was some of that same “we both need something urgently” business, but not as much, both because their personalities are different and because there was a five-year-old to distract one of them while I helped the other. And we knew it would pass; we had more perspective.
Now, how a newborn and an eighteen-month-old coexist, I have no idea whatsoever. Feel free to enlighten me. But I will warn you right now: if you insist that it’s easy, I reserve the right to not believe you. Or to throw rotten tomatoes at your comment, unless perhaps you are very, very persuasive.
Nanny or Valium. I had a newborn and 17-month-old (oops), and those were about the only things I needed. Neither of which I got.
Hmm. As someone currently expecting baby #2, I have suspected what you are saying to be true, but am now even a little more terrified.
Oh dear, I didn’t mean to terrify you! It gets better. They grow. And maybe yours will be easiser than mine!
But I expected it to be easier than it was, and that made it even harder on me, I think.
Well if all goes as planned, I won’t experience this myself but that’s part of the reason why – having more than one of these things scares me. Even if Cricket was 35 before we had another, I am very well aware it will not be easy the 2nd time around.
“We knew how to parent a baby; it turned out we knew somewhat less about how to parent a toddler/preschooler who had suddenly become an older sibling.”
Very interesting and I bet half of the 2nd time parents never thought about this. Sure they think about the baby and think about how they will continue to raise their toddler but forget the part that it will be a toddler who is now an older sibling. No more numero uno, probably a lot more adjusting going on.
To make a long comment even longer, I saw on another blog (CityMama maybe??) advice to a mom who was about to have her 2nd and it said you should tend to your oldest child before the baby b/c the baby won’t remember and the older child will. I thought that was interesting too – of course there are some newborn needs I wouldn’t put on hold but you know, I might not tell the older one to wait b/c I need to keep staring at the baby to make sure it’s breathing. Unless of course she does need assistance and on a breathing monitor…oh heck, you know what I mean.
If Cricket’s 35, you can probably count on him to understand that the baby has to nurse when the baby has to nurse, and he’ll just have to wait or make his own dinner.
Our strategy is generally to tend to whoever’s need is the most urgent, but if they’re about the same, we take care of the younger ones first for a variety of reasons– the older one has some slight concept of delayed gratification, while the baby certainly doesn’t; the baby is learning to trust that her needs will be met, while the toddler believes this already (in fact, this is sort of WHY she’s mad we’re tending to the baby instead of to her); the toddler is watching us model attitudes toward littler, more helpless creatures; and on and on.
Either way, they’re going to get bigger and this is going to stop being an issue. Now my older two play and read together, and can take turns getting snacks and first aid.
oh no, my sister in-law told me when she had her second child that it was five times as much work! I of course am on of those Uncles who comes over and plays with the kids but never does the discipline..so its easy from my view!
Well, having one was tremendously difficult for me. Adding another was even harder! Enough to scare me too much to ever try for number 3.
However, I know numerous people with several children some of whom say going from 1-2 is hardest and some who say going from 2-3 is hardest. All of them agree, though, that 4 and beyond is a much easier adjustment.
Not that you’ll take my word for it.
As always Melissa, great points. I honestly haven’t given it any thought on what I would do in that situation – why worry about something that isn’t gonna happen
Staci: I hear that, too. I’m still thinking Rebecca’s suggestions may be in order, though.