Did you see this yesterday? You probably did, as it was all over Yahoo news and whatnot for half the day: “Many parents admit they bribe their kids.” Even given the actual events in the world yesterday, this was apparently breaking news.

Here’s the main idea, from the first paragraph: “Call it a reward, or just “bribery.” Whichever it is, many parents today readily admit to buying off their children…”

And, of course, the all-important comparison: “Often, the rewards are for behaviors their own parents would have simply expected, just because they said so.”

Articles like this one crack me up. Parents are bribing their kids? Really? Which parents? How many? And how do you know this trend is on the rise? No, the article isn’t interested in providing factual information—anecdotes and conjecture will do!

There is Expert Advice—because you aren’t an expert on your own child! You can’t be expected to know what your own progeny will respond to! Oh no! You need such sage tidbits as “make sure that they [the rewards] match the behavior,” and “emphasize the benefits of just getting it done” without rewards.

Nothing more specific, of course—you can’t expect these experts to tell you how much is too much, or when material reinforcement might be appropriate, or what to do with the child who melts down because she doesn’t get an ice cream cone as a reward for brushing her teeth. (Well, of course not! Those questions would depend on your individual situation; you’ll have to use your best judgment. So… what did we need the expert for, again?)

There’s also the question of language; while most parenting tomes would call rewarding good behavior “positive reinforcement” (a bribe would typically be a reward given ahead of time, in an effort to induce the desired behavior), this article is content to label all material rewards “bribes.” Praise, however, is recommended (guess no one’s read Punished By Rewards or the like).

But here’s my real question: am I supposed to feel guilty (“oh crap, I shouldn’t have given the kids lollipops after that last trip to the pediatrician”) or relieved (“at least I’m not offering up a Wii if my kid scores a soccer goal”)? And does either one do me or my kids any good?

I did get one thing from this little reading adventure. Tomorrow morning, we get to attend an adoption hearing—one of our favorite two-year-olds on the planet and her parents will have their adoption finalized. And I will be bringing jelly beans to reward my children for sitting relatively still and quiet during the main event. I would never have thought of it on my own, so… thanks, bribery article! Hey, at least it’s not a Wii, right?